My new, lightly-bearded, neighbour is kindly blasting Bond themes into my kitchen at high volume. I say “kindly” as I’m aware he’s doing it to disguise the sound of enthusiastic afternoon bed-action. Ah, young love. I’m unsure how to go about telling him I’d rather have my wall vibrate to the rhythm of his bedframe than the terrifying stylings of Shirley Bassey, so I’m just trying to block it out by listening to Soundgarden at a tinnitus-reawakening volume. Superunknown and The Man with the Golden Gun don’t make the most soothing blend but at least I’m not hearing all about his “powerful weapon” any more.
The most confusing thing is why he’s chosen a compilation of Bond tunes as his seduction soundtrack. I can’t imagine “they are all I need to please me, stimulate and tease me,” creating anything other than the feeling you’re on the set of a Carry On film. And a badly-timed swelling crescendo could put the best of us off.
So, to help him out, I’m going to put together a little romantic playlist. This is really what we ladies are after…
Perhaps start with a bit of Henry Rollins’ Liar. The truth is the greatest aphrodisiac after all.
As you make your way to the bedroom, how about Bad Actress, a reminder to fake everything except what really counts (what a horrible person you are).
Maybe go from there to something sinister (is this romance or is this a prelude to a slow and painful death at the hands of a maniac?) with Bullet for my Valentine’s Hit the Floor or for those who prefer the volume lower, a soothing murder ballad by Nick Cave and Kylie.
I’d create a longer list, but I wouldn’t want to make assumptions, so would probably finish up with If you want blood. This has already featured once on my break-up playlist, but it deserves another outing, given the greatness of Mark Kozelek and its perfect encapsulation of the slow, sucking death of love.
With so much aural evidence, I can safely say that ding, dong, the romance-witch is dead. No jokes about dongs please. There’s enough of that in Diamonds are Forever.
This post is dedicated to all the lovely people who have offered to help me go to my dental appointment since my last rant. Romance may be dead but friendship is alive and kicking, and apparently very willing to listen to me babble following sedation.